June 12, 2012

Tales from the Maternity Ward

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

So, something a little CRAZY happened while I was in labor with Lucy. 

Patton and I checked into the hospital on a Sunday night to begin inducing labor (which was a very, very slow process for me). After I had been sitting unproductively in the labor and delivery room for around 30 hours I heard some fairly loud and very offensive screeching coming from the room next door. I was already exhausted and frustrated from my painful, long and sloooow labor so hearing some poor woman in the room next door going through such agony was a little terrifying. 

Then as I strained to listen I realized she was screaming horrible insults and threats in a very clear and unpained voice. There were loud crashes and the sound of shuffling feet, a series of "ouches!" and still more screaming from this woman. At this point I had already had my epidural for about 3 hours so I was confined to my bed and unable to go to the door to see what in the world was going on. I called over to Patton, who could sleep soundly through a chainsaw cutting through metal, and after about 5 minutes of whisper-yelling his name, he finally woke up.

Together we listened to the craziness on the other side of the wall... obscenities being hurled, threats of violence, the whole nine yards. Patton parked himself between my bed and the door in case whatever was going on out there spilled into our room somehow. Finally some nurses and doctors came by to apologize for the incredible racket, and from what Patton and I could decipher from what we heard through the walls, this woman was brought to the hospital from a nearby prison after she faked being in labor. I guess anything beats a night in the slammer.

At some point, this wild woman assaulted a nurse or two and had to be restrained to her bed until she could be processed out of the hospital and back into police custody, which, entertainingly for Patton and I, took a few hours, and this lady screamed and yelled (some very funny stuff that I don't want to print here) for most of that time. 

My parents were a bit surprised when they showed up at the hospital that morning and saw security posted outside each occupied delivery room door... like we're Beyonce and Jay-Z or something. 

No wonder with all that crazy yelling, Lucy was more than happy to stay comfortably in my tummy for almost another entire day before making her appearance. 

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